I haven't posted on here in a while. And the real reason why is, what do I say. Most of the things I want to write I feel are too personal to write to everyone. Which is why I have a personal journal. I could just write about my weird ass dreams, but often times when I start trying to recall it I start to forget major details that I would normally remember to myself otherwise. But seriously, what should I write then? I'm not really the type of person to write about my everyday life, normal events that happen. I'm not the person to talk about controversial topics. So... What do I talk about?

I figured I should start writing again to relieve the stresses I have and to tell of my new outlook on life.

We'll start with school. So far school is pretty much like normal, boring, not really exciting, hate some teachers, like others. That's pretty much all there is to it. Though it's really my social life around school that's changed, and hopefully for the better. My brother had found this group of christians, of all varieties, of different backgrounds, different majors, etc. They are a group of really interesting people, and I noticed ever since my brother started hanging out with these people that he's not only gotten a lot of new friends, but his faith in God has grown stronger, and I really wanted that too. I've always believed in God, but I never really thought about taking the time to know Him and the stuff most people do. But I really wanted to get to know who He is and what He's like, so I started a slow transition into the group, which started last year. The group has free dinners on tuesday evenings called Family Meal, and anyone is invited. My brother asked me one time if I wanted to go along, and I did. This all started about the middle of January. I'd only go to the meals and not to the other events, because it was all kinda still new to me and too different. But as I came to be on main campus full time I decided that I should start trying to become fully integrated into the group, I felt that I was ready to really begin believing again. I went to the big cookout the tuesday of the first week of school and it was awesome, I really tried to introduce myself personally to everyone. And my brother asked if I wanted to go to the Crosswalk worship session on thursday nights. This event I was sketchy about last year, but I felt that if I really did want to know more about God I'd have to try it out at least, and if it wasn't for me then I didn't have to go. But I went, and I really started to feel more fulfilled. I started to feel like I found something that was really missing in my life.

I've really gotten involved with this group and I know most of the people in it now, and new people come quite frequently. Though, of course with a new group of people and broken hearts from the past that come back to haunt you certainly do. I've started falling into my old routine, which I should really try to break. I've started falling for a few of the girls, some new, some that were new last year. I, not really being someone that people really like right off the bat, don't know what to do about it. I could start going after one girl, going slowly at first of course, but what I've decided to do is just try my best to be myself and see how all the girls react, and see if any show something, idk what exactly, but just something that might mean they could be interested. All the girls each have something in particular that I like in a girl, and all of them have different parts. What would be the perfect scenario would be if there was one girl with everything that I like, but I'm never gunna be that lucky. There is one girl I kinda like more than the others, but knowing my luck I seriously doubt that will work out, also considering that there are guys in the group that girls would find more appeasing. I'm such a hopeless romantic it's not funny. It's sad actually. That's why I feel, a lot of times, that I should just give up trying, act like I don't care if someone likes me or not. But look at me, searching for God and I find temptation in desperation for my own someone. You could call it being "love starved." Though, I think a lot of the reasons I might be desperate is that I really might just want to know if it is possible for a girl to like me in that way, that I'm not destined to be alone for the rest of my life.

Anyways, I'll go back to Crosswalk. At crosswalk, there've been speakers that've made me analyze my relationship with God and everyone and see how bad it actually is and that it could be better. The stuff some of them have talked about, just hit home to me. And at church too, when the priest gives his homily. I've started listening, and he seems to be speaking to me a lot of the time, it hits that hard. I just hope everything is going to fall into place. I pray that I won't be alone, that I'll have someone to share the rest of my life with. But, who knows, it's not my plan that's supposed to be followed. Things aren't going to happen my way. Things are only going to happen God's way. All's I can do is obey and pray that He'll cut me some slack every now and again, throw me a bone, if that clarifies what I'm trying to say. If anyone does read this, and has any advice on anything, whether it be ways to strengthen my relationship with God, or with girls, or with people in general, I'm all ears... or eyes in the case of blogs...

'Til Then.

3 more poems from my blogger: http://bzkoss236.blogspot.com/

: No More Mr. Nice Guy? :

Nice guys finish last
Falling from a broken mast
Whip the crew, swab the deck
Why do I work with a broken neck
Clearly things don't go my way
Even during a really nice day
Something always goes wrong
It usually doesn't take too long
The time has come to play a tune
In which I'm not a shriveled prune
But one in which I stand high
And look up into the sky
Looking for my own bright star
To mask my life's biggest scar
Too bright to see, the truth is much
But not hot nor cold to the finger's touch
My mind is ready, but my heart not so
When will I be able to end its woe
I ask, I plead, I pray, I cry
But never do I see him try
To aid in my long fought fight
For what I want to be right
No justice for the meek, no hope for the kind
All of this is what is in my mind
I see no end, no winning chime
And all my love is lost in time
Given to those who do not care
That I'm drowning, gasping for air
Looking out into the night
I see the great owl take its flight
It has no care, It has no plea
All it cares is to be able to see
See the prey which it does stalk
No desire to hear a weary person talk
I talk of my troubles for all to see
But never do I receive courtesy
I'll end it here, for if I carry on
I may miss my chance, it may be gone.


: Problems :

Millions of problems
they never seem to stop
and when I cannot fix them
I feel my heart drop

I try to do my best
and make others happy
but when I finish what I've done
I always feel crappy

I make others smile
and I tend to smile too
but I'm really only sad
that I can't do what I want to

I keep my issues to myself
and hide them in my mind
but when I try to avoid them
it is me they always find

I fell alone in this world
though there's people around me
my problems started as a seed
but now they've become a tree

They've rooted in my world
like that of ivy vines
but I can't reveal my problems
because my friend always whines

I help them with their problems
and ease up inside
but my life is one hell
of a bumpy ass ride

Hills aplenty
hills galore
my mind's gone
out the door


: No one is there:

Why do I always get the short end of the stick.
Nothing is ever my pick.
I look around and all I see
is everyone being happier than me.
I see them smile, I see them grin,
playing and dancing, spreading sin.
I look away to the other side
and by the same rules as the others they too abide.
And I'm left alone, in the middle of it all
with no room to move, only fall.
Try as I may, try as I might,
I am constantly losing my will to fight.
With people all around me drenched in sin,
with their sex and their raves, my patience runs thin.
Would I be better off if I did the same,
if I went against my own rules, could I lose blame.
If I did as they all do,
would I be better off, would I make it through.
As I sit alone
with an unplugged phone,
and no will to care anymore,
drifting away from the social shore,
watching the land fade away,
as does the rest of the day.
All by myself with no one else with me,
no one around that I can see.
Wishing there was someone there
that would take and bear
to be with someone like I,
who when they see me breathes a great sigh,
and shows happiness in their eyes.
That would be a surprise,
because it they couldn't exist,
because I've already endured everyone's fist,
and never once have I found
someone like that around.
And now I sit all alone under a tree
of grief and misery,
and pay my dues to the man whom I
thought would see eye to eye.
But he's not there.
There's only and empty chair.
So I'll just sit here and die,
under the darkened sky,
and wait for they who do not exist,
and continue to endure the world's cruelest fist.